If you’d crossed paths with me in theatre a few years back, you’d likely have called me calm, organised, and self-assured.

I was the scrub nurse who knew the routine inside out, predicted what the surgeon would need, and kept her attention on patient safety. From the outside, it seemed as though I had everything under control.

What no one could see was the anxiety I hid behind the mask.

My experience with anxiety didn’t begin all at once. It slipped into my life without a sound. In the beginning, it was simply stress. Lengthy shifts. Living far from home. Adapting to an unfamiliar country. Getting used to different ways of working. Striving to prove myself each day.

As an international nurse, I had left behind everything I knew. At home, I understood the language, the culture, the healthcare system, and my place within it. Then all at once, I was beginning again.

Nothing felt the same.

The accents were unfamiliar.

The surroundings were unfamiliar.

The expectations were unfamiliar.

Despite being an experienced nurse, there were times I felt like a novice once more.

I wanted to succeed. I wanted to belong. I wanted to make my family proud.

Without even noticing, I was carrying more pressure than I could bear.

Then the anxiety arrived.

The First Panic Attack

I can still recall how terrifying it felt.

My heart began to race.

My hands grew sweaty.

I felt dizzy and cut off from everything around me.

For a moment, I believed something was seriously wrong with me.

As nurses, we devote our lives to caring for others. We spot symptoms, offer reassurance, and guide patients through hard times.

But when anxiety struck me, all of that knowledge vanished.

Fear took control.

The worst part wasn’t the physical symptoms.

The worst part was not knowing when it would strike again.

Before long, I grew anxious about becoming anxious.

Every sensation in my body turned into something to worry about. If my heart rate went up, I noticed it right away. Whenever I felt exhausted following a hectic list in theatre, I feared that another panic attack was on its way.

I found myself stuck in a cycle that countless people dealing with anxiety understand intimately.

Trying to Stay Strong

For a long time, I kept telling myself to simply push through it.

After all, nurses are meant to be resilient.

We turn up.

We keep going.

We prioritize our patients.

But the reality is that healthcare professionals are human as well.

We feel stress.

We feel burnout.

We feel fear.

And at times we get so absorbed in caring for everyone else that we neglect to care for ourselves.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

The Day Everything Changed

One day, after years of living with anxiety, I grew tired of allowing it to run my life.

I posed a simple question to myself:

“Am I going to let anxiety make my decisions, or am I going to take my life back?”

That question signaled the start of my healing journey.

Not because anxiety vanished all at once.

Yet this was only possible because I quit fleeing from it.

Learning to Let Go

A key lesson I came to understand was that resisting anxiety usually only strengthens it.

Each time I sensed the symptoms approaching, my body would grow tense. I would attempt to halt those feelings. I would become afraid of my own fear.

And what came of it?

The anxiety lingered even longer.

In time, I learned to respond in a completely different way.

I let those feelings simply exist.

Rather than resisting them, I recognized them.

Rather than convincing myself that something awful was occurring, I told myself:

“This is anxiety. It is uncomfortable, yet it will pass.”

Gradually, the fear started to weaken.

Finding Healing in Small Things

I did not recover through a single dramatic moment.

It came about through small choices made each day.

I began to notice my breathing.

I exercised more often.

I passed the time by walking outside.

On my way home after long shifts, I listened to music.

I thought deeply about my life and posed hard questions to myself.

Did I feel happy?

What was making me stressed?

What needed to change in my life?

Certain days proved tougher than others, yet gradually, I began to feel like myself once more.

Lessons Anxiety Taught Me

When I look back, anxiety taught me things I may never have learned in any other way.

It showed me that true strength is not acting as though everything is okay.

Strength means being honest enough to acknowledge when you are having a hard time.

It showed me that seeking help is not a sign of weakness.

It showed me that caring for yourself is not being selfish.

Above all, it showed me that I am as deserving of compassion as the patients I care for every day.

For the Nurse Who Is Reading This

If you are a nurse dealing with anxiety, there is something I want you to understand.

You are not weak.

You are not failing.

You are not alone.

Behind countless theatre masks, uniforms, and professional smiles are individuals battling struggles that no one else can see.

Healing is a process that requires time.

Show patience toward yourself.

The kindness you extend to your patients is something you also deserve to give yourself.

These days, anxiety no longer has control over my life.

It forms one chapter of my story, yet it is not the entire story.

And if this journey has taught me anything, it is this:

You can feel anxious and remain strong at the same time. You can face struggles and still achieve success. You can heal and still grow into the person you were always meant to become.